CATHOLIC ENLIGHTENMENT NEW OUTREACH PROGRAM

Marriage is one of the most important institutions known to mankind. It is the foundation of society, and the birthplace of new life. For some people marriage is sweet while for others it is sour. A key to finding the sweet spot in marriage is aligning with God’s purpose for marital life. Inspired by the teachings of Gary Thomas, Matthew Kelly, and Fr. Robert Altier, we would learn in this part God’s purpose for marriage and how to find God in our marriages.

“The first purpose in marriage — beyond happiness, sexual expression, the bearing of children, companionship, mutual care and provision, or anything else — is to please God.” “The real purpose of marriage may not be happiness as much as it is holiness.” If this is true, then let us ask ourselves a question:
Is God present in your marriage?
If not, how can you find God in your marriage?
Is it with mama Chinedu raining insults on her husband to the hearing of all those living in their yard, or papa Chinedu returning home late from the drinking joint and beating his wife in the presents of their children. Or is it when newly wedded Chike’s mother would not allow him run his family as he would like because he is yet to have children with his wife. What about some of us that think marriage is about the woman doing house chores and cooking meals so that the day she doesn’t do it the whole neighborhood would know how bad a wife she is. Or that the man is the provider and so even when the woman has a good source of income she would emotionally abuse the man until he gets frustrated.
Do these scenarios sound like places were God would live? NO

The analogy of God viewing his people as a husband views his wife signifies a shift from a master-servant relationship to one of deep love, intimacy, and mutual affection. This portrayal highlights the profound nature of the marital bond, where the essence of devotion, care, and emotional connection are exemplified.

The intimacy between husband and wife reflects the divine intimacy and love between God and humanity, underscoring the spiritual depth of marriage as a divine romance.

In the book of Hosea 2:16, 19a, the Bible says,
“‘In that day,’ declares the LORD, ‘you will call me “my husband”; you will no longer call me “my master.” . . . I will betroth you to me forever”.

We can work our way back to the point where God dwells with us and lead our marriages. How would we do that?

Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage shows us how sacred scripture constantly compares or relationship with God to that of marriage. That comparison is very powerful because it means that by viewing marriage like we would view our relationship with God, we can improve our relationship with God through our marriages.

Imagine having to find all the fruits of the spirit within a healthy Christ-centered marriage- that is, the ideas of reconciliation, connection, love, joy, trust, peace, faithfulness, self-control and others. If we cannot identify these things in our marriage, then it means we have a marriage that is focused on negativity. Gary Thomas says such a marriage is doomed. If all we seek is to follow ourselves instead of obeying and following the will of God, we will be left out of the kingdom of heaven.

Around us today, we see what is happening among those about to get married and within marriages. People want to have romantic days all the time and so they feel they are not getting enough of their spouse. But there are romantic days and non-romantic days, there are days that you will wake up and wonder who the person next to you is… and during tough times (which we all have… ) these days will seem more often than the romantic ones.

Just the way we aspire to be close to God, you have to cling to your relationship with your spouse and know that they will stand with you… just as our God won’t forsake us -Your spouse shouldn’t either.

I hear one Emeka saying “who told you spouses would not forsake us?”. According to Emeka most women today would take flight at the first appearance of difficulty. Similarly, Adanna somewhere in the corner would say “leave women alone, what about the men. Do they not leave us at home and spend money on other women? Why should we pity him and be there for him when he is faced with trials and tribulations?” It is said that people change based on circumstances and so many have found themselves complaining that they did not see a side of their spouse before they got married. Marriage will definitely reveal to us, in the same way, a lot we do not know about ourselves and our spouses.
My brothers and sisters, the negative characters we exhibit are not part of God’s plan for marriage. We cannot continue to do what is wrong in response to someone else’s bad approach.
Conflict in marriage has its benefits. Conflict that results in forgiveness and reconciliation leaves the couple closer to one another since the cycle causes them to move toward each other. Conflict initially divides, but when a couple seeks a resolution, compromise and ultimately growth occurs. When each person learns to accept the other, things get smoother but far too often, people enter marriage seeking the benefits and ignoring the investment required.
While we all have our human weaknesses, our heavenly Father calls us to see Christ in the other. This means sharing in each other’s good and bad moments, helping the next person become a better version of himself or herself, being patient even in trying times, and most importantly making God the third person in your marriage.
Marriage is a place for offspring, faith and sacrament. You have to know that your marriage is going to withstand the test of time and all that life throws at it.
There is a reason that at the end of marriage ceremonies – they say “what God has joined together, let no man tear apart.” If you are living for God and for your spouse – you are truly living your faith. When divorce comes into the picture – especially with children – their spirituality suffers. (I know it can’t be helped in some instances) Children often use their parents’ relationship to help them to understand spiritual concepts – and when that relationship is lacking… it is hard for them to fully understand some of the concepts in their own literal ways. When their parents stop acting as a team – and heaven forbid, start cutting each other down in front of the children… it is almost impossible for them to learn about Christ-like love.
A difficult partner is no excuse for divorce. Rather than choose divorce, one married to a difficult spouse should seize the opportunity to become more Christ-like through the ordeal. The failure is not in the poor choice of spouse, but in the poor choice of surrendering under the weight of a difficult task.
It can take more than 10 years for a couple to “create its form and being”. Couples that give up too soon, never find out how much better it could have been or what marriage was really about, had they stayed the course. Perseverance often produces good results. Longevity is the key to stability in marriage; things do improve over time when a couple is committed to glorifying God in their relationship.
Couples should be deliberate about their marriages; they should not just allow themselves to evolve and become what they will become. The best marriages are built by thoughtful planning and care.

DESIGNING A GREAT RELATIONSHIP (The 7 levels of intimacy)

People want great relationships, but many people find themselves in poor relationships and starved for intimacy. One of the reasons for this is that a lot of people do not take the time to visualize what a great relationship means to them, not to mention going a step further to design aspects of their ideal relationship.
What do we see: Polycarp sitting by a bar, sees Nkem who has good physical features, and concludes that he is in love with her? Or is it Nkiru who sees Chukwunonso coming out from a big car and vows that she would make him her husband by hook or by crook. What about Adaugo and Chibuike who are in a relationship but have never discussed their likes, dislikes or the future plans?
Just as good planning is necessary for or helpful to successful outing and outcomes in the different areas of life like in business, sports etc., even so is it vital to the achievement of a successful human relationship or intimacy.
No one starts building a house without first drawing up a plan, creating a design, and laying a solid foundation.
People rarely enter relationships in order to break up. People don’t get married to get divorced. I suspect that most people getting married believe that they will be together forever. And yet many marriages today end in divorce or separation. People don’t fail because they want to fail. People don’t plan to fail, they simply fail to plan, and those who fail to plan, plan to fail. So if you are really serious about having a great relationship, you have to come up with a plan because if we do not take the time to design a great relationship, why would we think it will be fruitful?
There are several steps we can take towards designing a great relationship. Matthew Kelly in his book the 7 levels of Intimacy, helps us shed light on some important practical steps. First is to identify our purpose and then place it and the centre of all our relationships. A second step would be formulating a plan. In order to achieve this, we need to ask ourselves some questions:
▪ What would the physical traits and level of health of your ideal partner be?
▪ What are some of the emotional qualities that your ideal partner would possess?
▪ What intellectual characteristics would your ideal partner display?
▪ What spiritual beliefs and practices would your ideal partner have?
• What would the professional life of your ideal partner involve?
▪ What are his or her hobbies, interests, passions, values, and beliefs?

This might seem like a simple practice but it can have far reaching impacts on the design of our relationship. Have you ever noticed that when you are thinking of buying a particular car, you start to see that car everywhere? This happens because you are focusing on that model, and whatever we give our mental attention to will increase in our lives. We attract to our lives whatever we think about. If we think about the negative, it is the negative we attract. If we think about positive things, it is positive things that we attract. If we think about scarcity, it is scarcity that we attract. And if we think about abundance, it is abundance that we attract. If we think about all the things that we don’t want in a relationship, we attract the things that we don’t want. If we think about what we are looking for in a relationship, we attract the kind of relationship we are looking for. This is why it is so important to be clear about what we are looking for in a relationship.
Going from beyond a general statement on the irrefutable role of adequate planning in addressing different issues and developments, including relationship matters, Matthew Kelly outlines ten how-to’s or strategies involving planning that helps in the building of strong and successful relationships or intimacy.
Among the ten strategies or points, and which he argues that could apply to both single and currently- engaged persons include: a). establishing a (mutual) goal; b). defining clearly what one believes makes a relationship great; c). Agreeing on a plan to create a great relationship; d). Checking to make sure that one’s plan/s is realistic; e). Having the confidence or believing that one could achieve one’s plan; f). Making it an absolute must to be part of a great relationship; g). persevering in and following through one’s plan or goal; h). Holding one another (ie those involved in a relationship!) accountable to the plan and purpose of the relationship; i). Standing firm or refusing to give up on the agreed plan, in the face of major or even any challenges; and j). getting a good coach to help one in the construction and continuation of intimacy or relationship.
More than merely listing the above items as core ingredients to the building of enduring intimacy or relationship, he explains in some details, the above ten points, one before-the, or. Leading-to, the other.
How best to build an intimacy that works or lasts (in our world) today?
The place of planning or thoroughness in matters of human relationship, especially in the construction of long-lasting relationships like marriage, cannot be taken for granted. Relationships or intimacy is not just any random ‘business’ which one gets into based on mere whim or feelings. It is rather a serious business that demands adequate planning and conscientious dedication on the part of the concerned or those involved.

In addition to planning, the place of prayer and divine help is very vital in building successful human relationships and intimacy. Prayer provides a guiding light of discernment needed to navigate through whatever planning process produced by our human intellect.

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